My Infamous 72 Guaran-damn-tees for the 2008 MLB Season

The 2008 season is less than a month away and there are still a lot of questions out there about how things will play out. Well until you read this post that is...

This season I Guaran-damn-tee that:

1. The Boston Red Sox will not win the World Series this year. I know it doesn't take cojones to pick the field against the defending champions, but I'm pretty sure Red Sox fans will think that's just retahded.

2. Thanks to Carlos Pena, BJ Upton, Carl Crawford and ROY candidate Evan Longoria, the Tampa Bay Rays will break their franchise record for most wins in a season with 77. If they could only find a way out of the AL East.

3. Ichiro Suzuki will get his 3,000th hit in professional baseball in the beginning of August. Going into the season he has 2,870 combined Japan and MLB hits.

4. The San Francisco Giants will almost lose 100 games this year, falling just "short" with a 64-98 record. Matt Cain and Tim Lincecum will wonder what they did to deserve this.

5. Baltimore Orioles fans will be longing for the days of Cal Ripken Jr, Eddie Murray and Scott McGregor. Hell, they'll be longing for the days of Cal Ripken Jr, Brady Anderson, and David Segui.

6. The Giants outfield will combine for less homeruns than Ryan Howard.

7. Despite changing their name to the "Rays" this offseason, the Tampa Bay club will still be referred to by their original name, "That shitty team in the AL East", but only for one more season. Then the Orioles will inherit the name.

8. Joe Crede will not finish the season in a White Sox jersey. Its also likely, he won't start the season in one either.

9. Toronto Blue Jays manager John Gibbons will be the first manager fired. And Ned Yost will be on the hot seat in the second half of the season.

10. The Chorizo Sausage will win the most races during the Miller Park Sausage Race.

11. The Colorado Rockies will not win 14 out of their last 15 regular season games. However, they will finish 2nd in the NL West and barely miss the wild card.

12. Chipper Jones will not play in 150 games this year. Yes, you may not think that it is a very bold prediction, but Jones disagrees.

13. Barry Bonds will not play in the MLB this year, nor will he play in Japan. His ego won't let him.

14. Roger Clemens will not play in the MLB this year. Congress won't let him.

15. Juan Gonzalez will play in the MLB this year. The Cardinal's have no choice but to let him.

16. The National League will win the All-Star game this year.

17. The Rockies and Padres will not lead the league again in Games Played. They will play 162 just like everyone else.

18. Too many Red Sox will make the All-Star game, like Dustin Pedroia. (FYI: For some reason he has "DADDY" written on his chest)

19. Alex Gordon will make Kansas City fans forget about his subpar rookie year.

20. No more big name players will be linked with steroids this season.

21. In order to show that he doesn't favor veterans over young players, Dusty Baker will play Joey Votto over 120 games. However, Jay Bruce will be kept in the minors for a few months to delay his arbitration years. Also...

22. Neifi Perez will end up in a Cincinnati Reds uniform sometime this year. Alex Gonzalez breaking his knee was just the reason Dusty Baker needed to ask the GM to sign Perez.

23. It will only take Torii Hunter 48 hours to realize that a baseball camp for urban youth will not work in his new home, Orange County.

24. After the first 50 games, the Cardinals will realize that they have no chance to compete this year and will shut Albert Pujols down for the remainder of the season. There's no reason to risk Pujols' elbow blowing out when your rotation is Adam Wainwright, Joel Piniero, Braden Looper, Anthony Reyes and Todd Wellemeyer.

25. Joe Borowski will finally lose his job as closer, then his job as an MLB player.

26. Somehow, Giants GM Brian Sabean once again escapes being fired. Not only is this year's team awful, in the past 4 years he has acquired: Reggie Sanders, Marquis Grissom, Michael Tucker (who he gave up the team's 1st round pick to sign), Mike Matheny, Steve Finley, Randy Winn, Matt Morris, Armando Benitez, and Tim Worrell. And who can forget trading Francisco Liriano, Joe Nathan and Boof Bonser for AJ Pierzynski?

27. The naming rights of Wrigley Field will be sold, and it will cause outrage for a few months. However, games will continue to sell out. And everyone will have a great time at the Friendly Confines of Bank of America Field.

28. Felix Hernandez still does not have the breakout year everyone expects, however he still has a good year.

29. The Padres will have the best bullpen in baseball again despite Trevor Hoffman being their 4th best reliever.

30. Kyle Lohse will not get the 4 years/$40 million he was asking for. Hahaha, crazy Scott Boras.

31. Only half of the closers on opening day will remain in that role by the end of the season.

32. Adam Dunn or Ken Griffey will be the biggest name moved at the deadline. C.C. Sabathia won't be traded with hopes that the Indians can sign him in the off-season.

33. Curtis Granderson will be caught stealing more than the one time he was caught last year despite stealing 26 bases.

34. The Dodgers will somehow find away to block another top prospect, Andy Laroche. Either by platooning him with Nomar Garciaparra-Hamm, or by trading for a third baseman, such as Brandon Inge.

35. Larry Bowa will give in and wear the helmet.

36. Josh Hamilton will hit 30 homeruns, however he won't be able to avoid the disabled list. But it won't be for substance abuse.

37. Lastings Milledge will be beaned in his first game against the New York Mets. Everyone will be prepared for a bench clearing brawl, but Milledge will just brush his shoulders off and head to first.

38. Gold Glove voters will realize their mistake last year and give Troy Tulowitzki his first of many Gold Gloves this year.

39. However, in the AL new Twins shortstop Adam Everett will continue to get screwed over, this time by Derek Jeter's intangibles.

40. Hanley Ramirez and Chris B. Young will hit 30 homeruns and steal 30 bases, joining last years' 30/30 players, Jimmy Rollins, David Wright and Brandon Phillips.

41. Even though Curt Schilling will miss half of the season rehabbing his rotator cuff, he will definitely make sure we don't forget he's still around.

42. The White Sox will finish in the top 6 in the AL in offense, but their pitching will rank in the bottom 6.

43. Aaron Harang will strikeout over 200 batters for the 3rd consecutive year and still get no Cy Young votes.

44. Ryan Braun will live up to the hype by posting nearly identical stats as he did last year, minus the errors in left field.

45. The Marlins will only lose 2 more games this year despite losing their best hitter and pitcher this offseason.

46. David Eckstein will continue to be praised for being short, even in Canada where he is 1.70 meters tall now.

47. Milton Bradley will continue to be the angriest man in the league.

48. Ryan Howard will strike out more than 200 times, walk more than 100 times and hit over 50 homeruns. The epitome of the Three True Outcomes.

49. The MLB's version of Adam Jones will not get in trouble for any off the field incidents, which can't be said for Elijah Dukes.

50. Brian Roberts will be traded....eventually.

51. Mark Prior will make 12 starts for the San Diego Padres before being shut down for good at the All-Star break.

52. Dontrelle Willis will get lit up so bad that he gets banished to the pen where he'll have success as a lefty specialist.

53. Rich Harden will make 24 starts for the Oakland Athletics and will be traded along with Joe Blanton during the season.

54. Greg Maddux, John Smoltz and Tom Glavine will all retire together this offseason so that all three will be inducted into the Hall of Fame together. Unless of course, they are somehow linked to steroids.

55. Francisco Liriano will win AL Comeback player of the year after missing last year with Tommy John surgery. He'll be followed by BJ Ryan and JD Drew.

56. Andruw Jones will win NL Comeback player of the year with the Dodgers this year. It'd be pretty hard for him to not improve on his .222 batting average and 26 homeruns. Finishing after Jones will be Miguel Tejada and Jason Bay, that is if any voter knew that Pittsburgh has a baseball team.

57. Even though he's not really a rookie persay, Kosuke Fukudome will win the NL Rookie of the Year. He'll be followed by Colby Rasmus, Joey Votto, Hiroki Kuroda and Cubs teammate Geovany Soto.

58. In the junior circuit everyone will be watching Joba Chamberlain, Clay Buchholz, and Jacoby Ellsbury fight it out, but Evan Longoria will walk away with the hardware despite not playing for the Nation or Country.

59. Johan Santana will win 23 games and the NL Cy Young considering the Mets play 49 games against the Marlins, Nationals, Giants and Pirates. He'll also post a sub 2.50 ERA and strike out over 250, but who's counting?

60. Justin Verlander will win the AL Cy Young thanks to the incredible offense that the Tigers will put out there every day. He will finish with 20 wins and mark the first time since 2005 that one pitcher from each league won at least 20 games (Chris Carpenter and Bartolo Colon).

61. Alex Rodriguez will win his 4th AL MVP this year despite winning every other year since 2003. Of course, MVPs don't mean anything in the Bronx, but Gold Gloves do. Just ask Derek Jeter.

62. David Wright will win the MVP he deserved last year before his team collapsed at the end of the season. The Mets should win the NL East this year and win the most games in the NL, which usually helps persuade MVP voters.

63. The Detroit Tigers will win the AL Central almost reaching 100 wins. The Indians will finish in 2nd, just missing out on the Wild Card. Rounding out the division will be the White Sox, Twins then Royals.

64. The Boston Red Sox will win the AL East for the 2nd consecutive year. The Yankees will win the Wild Card under new manager Joe Girardi. Following them will be the Blue Jays, Devil Rays, and Orioles.

65. The Anaheim Angels will be the easy winner of the AL West, followed by the Mariners, Rangers and Athletics.

66. The Chicago Cubs will win the NL Central, battling with the Milwaukee Brewers all year. The rest of the division will shake out as follows: Reds, Astros and Pirates.

67. The NL East will be won by the New York Mets who will be playing with that awful memory of their collapse last season. The Phillies will come in second no matter what Jimmy Rollins thinks, and the Braves will come in 3rd once again. The Nationals will finish in 4th with the Marlins falling into 5th slot.

68. So what about the crazy NL West? The division that almost had their best team finish under .500 in 2005 is now one of the best divisions from top to bottom. The Diamondbacks will win the division again thanks to the addition of Dan Haren. The Rockies will continue to mash but fall just short this year. The Dodgers will finish in 3rd, followed by the Padres, and the worst team in all the MLB, the San Francisco Giants.

69. The ALCS will match up the Tigers vs. the Red Sox with the Tigers advancing to the World Series.

70. The NLCS will match up the Cubs vs. the Mets with the Cubbies finally going to the World Series on their 100th anniversary of their last Championship.

71. Being a Cub fan and it being spring training, I'm pretty sure you can guess who I predict to win this year. And if you don't like it, feel free to start your own blog. Fukudome for 大統領!

72. After the season, both Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens will be found guilty of perjury and sentenced to prison time. After being assigned to the same prison, they will face off in a cage match, the greatest pitcher* vs. the greatest hitter* to see who is Undisputed.

Wait 'till next year

We've all heard it before. Probably have even said it a few times. Hell, it's the title of the Cubs documentary on HBO. And unfortunately, it'll continue this offseason leading us into our 99th year without a World Series championship. Yes, the wounds may be still fresh, but as many Cubs fans know it's never too early to start thinking about next year. And a good place to start is the roster, to determine who will be back, who should be back, and who better start talking to his agent.



See You in Spring Training:


Alfonso Soriano: He'll be roaming left field for the next several years. The question is how long will be leading off?

Derrek Lee: The Gold Glove first baseman is signed through 2010 and has a full no trade clause. I don't see them wanting to trade him anytime soon anyways.

Aramis Ramirez: Injuries slowed him down this year limiting him to only 132 games. It's never good to see a 30 year old third baseman get so many days off throughout the season. He's locked up till 2011 but can opt out after 2010.

Mark DeRosa: "This isn't a contract that's likely to work out well." This was Keith Law's review of the DeRosa signing in the offseason. He played six different positions and had a .371 OBP this year. So far so good.

Carlos Zambrano: He finally he got his extension even though his season was so up and down. His Cy Young and World Series talk was a little too much and hopefully he'll let his pitching do the talking next year.

Ted Lilly: He had a solid season as the number two starter and will be slotted in the same spot next year.

Rich Hill: He led the team in strikeouts this year and looked unhittable at times. He'll be the number three next year completing a pretty solid 1-2-3, in the NL at least.

Daryle Ward: The pinch hit specialist has a team option for 1.2 million next year and the Cubs would be silly not to pick it up.

Carlos Marmol: He had an amazing season out of the bullpen. Lou Piniella relied on him heavily to get out of tough jams and he did, stranding 88 percent of inherited runners. But will he be given a chance to close next year?

Bob Howry: The set up man also had a good season with a near 4:1 strikeout to walk ratio. He'll be pitching for a contract next season and should be setting up again, but I can see him being given a chance at closing in spring training.

Scott Eyre: Stevie Ire had an awful first half of the season and was relegated to mop up duty. But in the second half he was almost unhittable posting a 0.81 ERA and averaging about 8 K/9. He has one more year left and will be the go to left hander in the pen, unless of course he duplicates his first half of this season.

Michael Wuertz - Lou Piniella used him a lot down the stretch and rightfully so. He averaged more than 2 strikeouts per walk and posted almost 10 K/9.

Matt Murton: He'll be back next year but whether he'll start or not is the question. He should be given the job right field job in spring training but we'll see what Lou will decide.

Ryan Theriot: The Cubs considered him to be a super sub at the beginning of the season, but his play made them rethink that and thankfully forced them to trade Cesar "Hot Zones" Izturis. He needs to walk more so he can take advantage of his speed. Piniella has confidence in The Riot but Hendry might do some window shopping in the offseason just to see whats out there. And we can't forget those A-Rod rumors.

Geovany Soto: The Pacific Coast League MVP came up and proved that he belonged. He overcame the weight issue that plagued him throughout his career and should be written in as the starting catcher next season.

Henry Blanco: Hank White has one year left on his contract and has been a big influence on Soto. He will give the kid some days off here and there, plus he has all those awesome tattoos.

Kevin Hart: The Cubs' Minor League Pitcher of the Year performed well enough to make the postseason roster. He'll be given a chance to be the fifth starter. If not, he'll definitely have a place in the bullpen.

Ryan Dempster: Sadly, he will be back next year because of his asinine salary. Most people think he'll lose his job as closer next year, but if he does, I would assume he'd be given a chance at a spot in the rotation. It's a lose/lose situation.

We'll Call You

Ronny Cedeno/Mike Fontenot/Eric Patterson: One of them will be back to be the backup infielder. Fontenot started off really hot when he came up but faded down the stretch. Cedeno started off slow and really got it together when he got called back up at the end of the season. Patterson has the most talent but got himself in trouble by showing up late to a game. It will probably come down to who has the better spring training.

Jacque Jones: The man that everyone loved to hate, then love, then hate again would probably not mind being moved this offseason. The Cubs couldn't give him away at mid-season and when the trade to Florida fell through, he was named the everyday center fielder where he went on to finish strong. Go figure. He's scheduled to make 5 million next year which is reasonable unless...

Felix Pie: Pie could be given the starting job next year which could lower the Cubs desire to keep Jones. But they'll probably hold on to Jones unless they know for sure that Pie is ready. He played good defense but struggled to hit. If he can show he can handle facing major league pitching, its his job to lose.

Cliff Floyd: The often injured outfielder played well enough this year to merit a role as a bench player next year. But will Floyd accept less money and a smaller role?

Kerry Wood: The often injured pitcher surprised everyone by becoming healthy enough to return to the team at mid-season. He pitched well and deserves a spot in the pen next year as well. But what kind of contract will he be looking for? He's already cost the Cubs a ton of money and it's hard to commit to a pitcher who has missed as much time as he has.

Will Ohman: He had his problems with the Cubs front office and struggled throughout the season. The only reason he has a chance at coming back is because he has one year left on his deal.

Sean Marshall: He made 19 starts this season, 10 of them being quality starts. He pitched well enough to be given another shot to start next year but not making the postseason roster shows the Cubs might not agree.

Good Luck Next Year...

Jason Kendall: After joining the Cubs he posted a .362 OBP which was about 60 points higher than the previous backstops this season. He couldn't throw out anyone and no longer has much speed. But hey, he made $60 million dollars over the past six seasons. I hope he invested it wisely.

Craig Monroe: He'll want more money and a starting job, neither of which the Cubs will offer.

Steve Trachsel: Thanks for playing.

Mark Prior: Unless he takes a massive pay cut, the Cubs will let him loose. It was fun while it lasted, well for that one year at least. And until that one postseason start. But everything in between was nice.

Jason Marquis: A guy can hope can't he?