Quote of the Week

"He needs to swing some more. I talked to him about that. Strikeouts aren't the only criteria. I'd like to see him more aggressive. A lot of this on-base percentage is taking away the aggressiveness of some young kids. Most of the time you've got to put handcuffs on a young to keep him from swinging."

--Johnnie B. when asked what he thought about firstbase prospect Joey Votto

My Infamous 72 Guaran-damn-tees for the 2008 MLB Season

The 2008 season is less than a month away and there are still a lot of questions out there about how things will play out. Well until you read this post that is...

This season I Guaran-damn-tee that:

1. The Boston Red Sox will not win the World Series this year. I know it doesn't take cojones to pick the field against the defending champions, but I'm pretty sure Red Sox fans will think that's just retahded.

2. Thanks to Carlos Pena, BJ Upton, Carl Crawford and ROY candidate Evan Longoria, the Tampa Bay Rays will break their franchise record for most wins in a season with 77. If they could only find a way out of the AL East.

3. Ichiro Suzuki will get his 3,000th hit in professional baseball in the beginning of August. Going into the season he has 2,870 combined Japan and MLB hits.

4. The San Francisco Giants will almost lose 100 games this year, falling just "short" with a 64-98 record. Matt Cain and Tim Lincecum will wonder what they did to deserve this.

5. Baltimore Orioles fans will be longing for the days of Cal Ripken Jr, Eddie Murray and Scott McGregor. Hell, they'll be longing for the days of Cal Ripken Jr, Brady Anderson, and David Segui.

6. The Giants outfield will combine for less homeruns than Ryan Howard.

7. Despite changing their name to the "Rays" this offseason, the Tampa Bay club will still be referred to by their original name, "That shitty team in the AL East", but only for one more season. Then the Orioles will inherit the name.

8. Joe Crede will not finish the season in a White Sox jersey. Its also likely, he won't start the season in one either.

9. Toronto Blue Jays manager John Gibbons will be the first manager fired. And Ned Yost will be on the hot seat in the second half of the season.

10. The Chorizo Sausage will win the most races during the Miller Park Sausage Race.

11. The Colorado Rockies will not win 14 out of their last 15 regular season games. However, they will finish 2nd in the NL West and barely miss the wild card.

12. Chipper Jones will not play in 150 games this year. Yes, you may not think that it is a very bold prediction, but Jones disagrees.

13. Barry Bonds will not play in the MLB this year, nor will he play in Japan. His ego won't let him.

14. Roger Clemens will not play in the MLB this year. Congress won't let him.

15. Juan Gonzalez will play in the MLB this year. The Cardinal's have no choice but to let him.

16. The National League will win the All-Star game this year.

17. The Rockies and Padres will not lead the league again in Games Played. They will play 162 just like everyone else.

18. Too many Red Sox will make the All-Star game, like Dustin Pedroia. (FYI: For some reason he has "DADDY" written on his chest)

19. Alex Gordon will make Kansas City fans forget about his subpar rookie year.

20. No more big name players will be linked with steroids this season.

21. In order to show that he doesn't favor veterans over young players, Dusty Baker will play Joey Votto over 120 games. However, Jay Bruce will be kept in the minors for a few months to delay his arbitration years. Also...

22. Neifi Perez will end up in a Cincinnati Reds uniform sometime this year. Alex Gonzalez breaking his knee was just the reason Dusty Baker needed to ask the GM to sign Perez.

23. It will only take Torii Hunter 48 hours to realize that a baseball camp for urban youth will not work in his new home, Orange County.

24. After the first 50 games, the Cardinals will realize that they have no chance to compete this year and will shut Albert Pujols down for the remainder of the season. There's no reason to risk Pujols' elbow blowing out when your rotation is Adam Wainwright, Joel Piniero, Braden Looper, Anthony Reyes and Todd Wellemeyer.

25. Joe Borowski will finally lose his job as closer, then his job as an MLB player.

26. Somehow, Giants GM Brian Sabean once again escapes being fired. Not only is this year's team awful, in the past 4 years he has acquired: Reggie Sanders, Marquis Grissom, Michael Tucker (who he gave up the team's 1st round pick to sign), Mike Matheny, Steve Finley, Randy Winn, Matt Morris, Armando Benitez, and Tim Worrell. And who can forget trading Francisco Liriano, Joe Nathan and Boof Bonser for AJ Pierzynski?

27. The naming rights of Wrigley Field will be sold, and it will cause outrage for a few months. However, games will continue to sell out. And everyone will have a great time at the Friendly Confines of Bank of America Field.

28. Felix Hernandez still does not have the breakout year everyone expects, however he still has a good year.

29. The Padres will have the best bullpen in baseball again despite Trevor Hoffman being their 4th best reliever.

30. Kyle Lohse will not get the 4 years/$40 million he was asking for. Hahaha, crazy Scott Boras.

31. Only half of the closers on opening day will remain in that role by the end of the season.

32. Adam Dunn or Ken Griffey will be the biggest name moved at the deadline. C.C. Sabathia won't be traded with hopes that the Indians can sign him in the off-season.

33. Curtis Granderson will be caught stealing more than the one time he was caught last year despite stealing 26 bases.

34. The Dodgers will somehow find away to block another top prospect, Andy Laroche. Either by platooning him with Nomar Garciaparra-Hamm, or by trading for a third baseman, such as Brandon Inge.

35. Larry Bowa will give in and wear the helmet.

36. Josh Hamilton will hit 30 homeruns, however he won't be able to avoid the disabled list. But it won't be for substance abuse.

37. Lastings Milledge will be beaned in his first game against the New York Mets. Everyone will be prepared for a bench clearing brawl, but Milledge will just brush his shoulders off and head to first.

38. Gold Glove voters will realize their mistake last year and give Troy Tulowitzki his first of many Gold Gloves this year.

39. However, in the AL new Twins shortstop Adam Everett will continue to get screwed over, this time by Derek Jeter's intangibles.

40. Hanley Ramirez and Chris B. Young will hit 30 homeruns and steal 30 bases, joining last years' 30/30 players, Jimmy Rollins, David Wright and Brandon Phillips.

41. Even though Curt Schilling will miss half of the season rehabbing his rotator cuff, he will definitely make sure we don't forget he's still around.

42. The White Sox will finish in the top 6 in the AL in offense, but their pitching will rank in the bottom 6.

43. Aaron Harang will strikeout over 200 batters for the 3rd consecutive year and still get no Cy Young votes.

44. Ryan Braun will live up to the hype by posting nearly identical stats as he did last year, minus the errors in left field.

45. The Marlins will only lose 2 more games this year despite losing their best hitter and pitcher this offseason.

46. David Eckstein will continue to be praised for being short, even in Canada where he is 1.70 meters tall now.

47. Milton Bradley will continue to be the angriest man in the league.

48. Ryan Howard will strike out more than 200 times, walk more than 100 times and hit over 50 homeruns. The epitome of the Three True Outcomes.

49. The MLB's version of Adam Jones will not get in trouble for any off the field incidents, which can't be said for Elijah Dukes.

50. Brian Roberts will be traded....eventually.

51. Mark Prior will make 12 starts for the San Diego Padres before being shut down for good at the All-Star break.

52. Dontrelle Willis will get lit up so bad that he gets banished to the pen where he'll have success as a lefty specialist.

53. Rich Harden will make 24 starts for the Oakland Athletics and will be traded along with Joe Blanton during the season.

54. Greg Maddux, John Smoltz and Tom Glavine will all retire together this offseason so that all three will be inducted into the Hall of Fame together. Unless of course, they are somehow linked to steroids.

55. Francisco Liriano will win AL Comeback player of the year after missing last year with Tommy John surgery. He'll be followed by BJ Ryan and JD Drew.

56. Andruw Jones will win NL Comeback player of the year with the Dodgers this year. It'd be pretty hard for him to not improve on his .222 batting average and 26 homeruns. Finishing after Jones will be Miguel Tejada and Jason Bay, that is if any voter knew that Pittsburgh has a baseball team.

57. Even though he's not really a rookie persay, Kosuke Fukudome will win the NL Rookie of the Year. He'll be followed by Colby Rasmus, Joey Votto, Hiroki Kuroda and Cubs teammate Geovany Soto.

58. In the junior circuit everyone will be watching Joba Chamberlain, Clay Buchholz, and Jacoby Ellsbury fight it out, but Evan Longoria will walk away with the hardware despite not playing for the Nation or Country.

59. Johan Santana will win 23 games and the NL Cy Young considering the Mets play 49 games against the Marlins, Nationals, Giants and Pirates. He'll also post a sub 2.50 ERA and strike out over 250, but who's counting?

60. Justin Verlander will win the AL Cy Young thanks to the incredible offense that the Tigers will put out there every day. He will finish with 20 wins and mark the first time since 2005 that one pitcher from each league won at least 20 games (Chris Carpenter and Bartolo Colon).

61. Alex Rodriguez will win his 4th AL MVP this year despite winning every other year since 2003. Of course, MVPs don't mean anything in the Bronx, but Gold Gloves do. Just ask Derek Jeter.

62. David Wright will win the MVP he deserved last year before his team collapsed at the end of the season. The Mets should win the NL East this year and win the most games in the NL, which usually helps persuade MVP voters.

63. The Detroit Tigers will win the AL Central almost reaching 100 wins. The Indians will finish in 2nd, just missing out on the Wild Card. Rounding out the division will be the White Sox, Twins then Royals.

64. The Boston Red Sox will win the AL East for the 2nd consecutive year. The Yankees will win the Wild Card under new manager Joe Girardi. Following them will be the Blue Jays, Devil Rays, and Orioles.

65. The Anaheim Angels will be the easy winner of the AL West, followed by the Mariners, Rangers and Athletics.

66. The Chicago Cubs will win the NL Central, battling with the Milwaukee Brewers all year. The rest of the division will shake out as follows: Reds, Astros and Pirates.

67. The NL East will be won by the New York Mets who will be playing with that awful memory of their collapse last season. The Phillies will come in second no matter what Jimmy Rollins thinks, and the Braves will come in 3rd once again. The Nationals will finish in 4th with the Marlins falling into 5th slot.

68. So what about the crazy NL West? The division that almost had their best team finish under .500 in 2005 is now one of the best divisions from top to bottom. The Diamondbacks will win the division again thanks to the addition of Dan Haren. The Rockies will continue to mash but fall just short this year. The Dodgers will finish in 3rd, followed by the Padres, and the worst team in all the MLB, the San Francisco Giants.

69. The ALCS will match up the Tigers vs. the Red Sox with the Tigers advancing to the World Series.

70. The NLCS will match up the Cubs vs. the Mets with the Cubbies finally going to the World Series on their 100th anniversary of their last Championship.

71. Being a Cub fan and it being spring training, I'm pretty sure you can guess who I predict to win this year. And if you don't like it, feel free to start your own blog. Fukudome for 大統領!

72. After the season, both Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens will be found guilty of perjury and sentenced to prison time. After being assigned to the same prison, they will face off in a cage match, the greatest pitcher* vs. the greatest hitter* to see who is Undisputed.